Silly joke time

[andy-womble]

Sorry about this, lemsworld. You've probably already heard it anyhow.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

[3rensho]

Good one

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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

"I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship.

"I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.

"He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry "


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ob interview question -



You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die
2. A very old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.




YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

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Irish Coffee



An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido..


'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'


It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'


'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'


'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Star Bucks again!'

[lemsworld]

Sorry about this, lemsworld. You've probably already heard it anyhow.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

I havn't actually heard this one, supprising as someone we work with should have said that one by now lol

Lliam

[Chris]

Jelly Bean and Smartie

Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" and the Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are ****ing menthol!"



Tarmac

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"





I'll get my coat........

[andy-womble]

4 blokes go out together in a mates Berlingo.
They have a few beers(apart from the nominated driver to be politically correct, he drank lemonade all night),
then they move on to a disco type night club.
They pull up on the car park and walk over to the doorman who was built like a brick outhouse, "OK you three lads can go in but he can't because he is not wearing a tie".
Quick as a flash the Berlingo driver who, out of neccesity of being a Berlingo owner was very resourceful and used to getting out of a tight spot, went to the motor and pulled out a set of jump leads and tied these around his neck.
The bouncer took one look and said "Ok mate, I'll let you in now, but don't start anything."

[Andre]

Jelly Bean and Smartie

Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" and the Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are ****ing menthol!"


I'll get my coat........

I'll get my coat........

Haha, some great ones popping up.

[Chris]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

[3rensho]

Can someone let me know what "Smarties" and "Lockets" are? Make no sense to me. Thanks in advance

Tom

[divingscubaboy]

Smarties are like m&m's but taste ashed load better. Lockets are a medicated cough sweet / lozenge, like a boiled sweet with a liquid centre.

[Andre]

Smarties

[Image: smarties-in-scoop-and-small-bowl-photogr...83952.jpeg]

Lockets

[Image: Lockets_Honey_And_Lemon_10Pack.jpg]