BAD JOKES

[Guanajuato]

In the same vein...

Two peanuts were walking down the road. one was assaulted.

My daughter's favourite when she was 5:
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
You park your car, man!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish.

What's a pirate's favourite shop?
ARRRRRgos

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dr
Dr Who?
If you knew, why did you ask?

There's many more where those came from. I have two young daughters. ;-)

---

A man walked into a bar.
He had to wait 4 hours at casualty.

Why the the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chicken.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mate.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?
paint its toenails red.

How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
Stand on a leaf and wait until autumn.

My dog's got no nose?
How does he smell?
TERRIBLE.

I can see the confusion on some of the foreign contingent already! ;-)

[woodshaper]

Three Teddy Bears in an Airing Cupboard, which one is in the Army?

THE ONE ON THE TANK!

woodshaper

[j90xxx]

What do you call 5 boy racers in the back of a Range Rover?

A good days shooting...

[Guanajuato]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a BMW?
The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog.

[j90xxx]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
She immediately dragged me upstairs and made love to me for 2 hours.
Which is strange...
She's never shown an interest in darts before.

---

My mates wife left him last Thursday.
She went out to get milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping.
He said not too bad, he's been using the powdered stuff.

---

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed.
Eventually she swung open the door and asked
"Honestly, am I too fat for this?"
To which I replied
"Yes, but don't feel too bad, it's quite a small bathroom."

[Chris]

They aren't getting any better.....
http://www.berlingoforum.co.uk/showthread.php?tid=339

[Berlin_Go]

I asked my mate: "What's the best thing to clean a lavatory with?"

He said: "Toilet Duck"

Before I had a chance to say anything, a toilet hit me in the head.

[Ol'Jeffers]

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Veterinary college were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the carcass covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the anus of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

:lol:

[FatPaddy100]

People laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian, well, the're not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse, oldie but goodie
FatPaddy100

[jericlin]

I to wanted to be on the stage. :woop:

Trouble was every time I went for it, it had already gone
:brickwall: